The Holy Craft Book

Verse 1: La la la la la la la la la la. Verse 2: In the beginning, a deranged criminal mastermind devised the Universe. On the first day he planted pritiful flowers which he thought were very nice until he noticed that they just died and fell because he had not made ground to support them on. So he made a planet to act a criminal haven, and as a place to plant lots of pritiful flowers. he called it the Earth. On the second day he made Seagulls - not birds, Seagulls, which were suprisingly the criminal geniuses of the Earth, because they could steal sandwitches from anyone, even the Criminal Genius himself, so he made a lot of other things to keep them at"bay"- ha ha ha, bay, get it? Verse 3: The others days he had to sit through. Verse 4: 1914 years later, Germany made a very wrong move after the assanination of Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand, which suprisingly was carried out by a bunch of bored Seagulls.

Verse 5: Once upon a time there was a man called Moses, who told Pharaoh that if he didn't let the Jews go, then he would unleash a plague of ugly locusts and horrible serpents. Verse 6: This really hurt Pharaoh's feelings, and he started to cry Verse 7: so Moses was put to death, and a great plague of ugly locusts and horrible serpents was never unleashed. Then, there came a man called god, who also hurt Pharaoh's feelings, but in such a way that he couldn't cry, then he became Pharaoh, and started telling the Jews about this lovely new land that was to be discovered, and they went off to find it. Verse 8: This had got rid of one useless third of Egypt's population - but later the Jews did find the land God had made up, and lived there for a long time. Verse 9: Even though the Jews did settle in the land God had made up, the Egyptians didn't know this, so God reigned on as the Supreme Pharaoh, and grew to be very fat, until he died aged 4. Verse 10: At that time he weighed 509.8 tonnes Verse 11: that's enough to be a Sumo Wrestler maybe 5000 times over.

Verse 12: After God, a great "thinker" seized power in Egypt, declaring that it was to rise as a very small empire, which no one really cared about. Even though he was right, some Seagulls decided to kill him , obviously just for the fun of it, and, obviously no one could stand in the way of Seagulls Verse 13: for they ruled the skies at that time, and still do as well as a few significant beaches. Verse 14: So, he was killed, and the Gold Kingdom fell into ruin. Many people think it was the Old Kingdom, but the Egyptians called it the Gold Kingdom because they thought that there was some gold hidden somewhere around there. Verse 15: Far away from Egypt - in the lands of Cake, the Jews had settled down to live respectable lives - oh, and there was this kid called Joseph who had 12 brothers and grew up to be a goat. Verse 16: But, even further away from Joseph the Goat, a terribly cruel empire was forming. It was known as the Seagull empire. They had control of all the major skies, and had already flown fifteen missions to Pluto - apparently they were looking for Moonstone. The Seagull empire lasted from 0 CL (Stand for Crime Lord) to 1914 when the First World War was declared, and the Seagulls were mainly shot in case they were carrier pigeons.

Verse 17: Finally, the Romans took over the Jewish lands, and left the Jewish children on roof tops in the hope they would fall off and be saved by the Criminal Geniuss Arch-Daemon, Gabrielle. The Criminal Genius hated this, because the Romans liked proving to the Jews that God was dead, and had just been a fat Criminal sitting on a throne. Many people then changed faith from Jew to Criminal. So we were forced to print these words in the Holy Craft Book. Verse 18: Do not test your lord, for you will be unsuccessful. Verse 19: Pathetic isnt it. Anyway, a story. Once upon a time there was a pathetic Criminal Genius that forced us to print some words which caused the death of over 1,000,000 Ex-Jews who tried to jump from buildings in the hope of being saved.

Verse 20: The Ex-Jews were annoyed that if they jumped from buildings they werent saved, so they made up some new Gods who they worshipped like Zeus. The Greeks and Romans paid a hell of a lot of money for the same names in different languages. The Criminal Genius was loosing money fast, mainly because you had to pay to worship in his Tarmples, and no one was going anymore. So, he sent a meteor down from his Criminal Heaven, but found that the Romans and Greeks turned to their made up Gods for protection, and that the Ex-Jews who were now all terribly rich, just smiled and nodded as if meteors crashed through Earths atmosphere every day, mainly because they now often did, and wiped out whole civilisations, such as the very timid Dinosaurs. Whatever anyone may think, the Dinosaurs didnt eat meat none of them did. They all chewed on grass to produce a paste in their mouths, which they then would swallow. Sometimes they chewed too much grass, and choked to death. Verse 21, 22, 23, 24 and 25: And so, the Old Besterment ends.

Verse 1: Years later, the Criminal Genius in the sky created two people. Verse 2: They were Super Dog and Ermentrude the cow. Ermentrude was attacked by Super Dog, and was killed - so Super Dog went to baptise his cousin Franklin. Verse 3: Unfortunately, the two got into a bit of a fight in the water, so Super Dog had to secure his jaws around Franklin's neck, then dunked him in the water. Verse 4: Many Philosiphers conclude that because when Franklin came out of the water, he had been punished for his sins by God, but they were all killed by Super Dog because everybody at that time knew that God had been a Pharaoh who died very fat.

Verse 5: The Criminal Genius in the sky was annoyed that Super Dog had killed his favourite cow, so he planned his revenge, and he Verse 6 (Don't you just hate it when they Verses in the middle of a sentence!): reincarnated Ermentrude to fight another day. Verse 7: The highly agile cow gave Super Dog a run for his money, but the Criminal Genius in the sky had fogotten that Super Dog could perform miracles at will, and Ermentrude and her Meat Cleavers were defeated. Verse 8: Super Dog finally decided to take over the world, and became the first emperor of the world. He called himself Rubber Ducky the first, because he had recently won £800000 in a Duck Race, or "woof woof woof" as he called them.

Verse 9: The Criminal Genius needed help to defeat the so called "perfect" dog. Super Dog had killed Ermentrude and Frank the Baptist, two of the greatest servants of the Criminal Genius himself. Verse 10: The Criminal Genius in the sky had no other option but to call on the deadliest power in the universe. Verse 11: They were . . . the Seagulls. Verse 12: The Seagulls agreed to help, because, so far, they hadn't had a mention in the New Bestererment, so they swooped down in a deadly air attack. Verse 13: Much blood was spilt that day and over 30000 picnic baskets were pinched, and the ground shook as they tour ancient Eygpt apart.

Verse 17: The Criminal Genius in the Sky decided that Seagulls would soon become too powerful on the earth, so he created the three Us. They were Urinal, Unt and Uncle Brian. These were the strongest warriors each beginning with the same letter, and soon they stopped the Seagulls taking over the world. Verse 18: Each of these three Us had a different power. Urinal had the power to multiply and be weed (or Wee-ed if you're mad) into. Unt had the power to turn into people with more sensible names, and Uncle Brian had the power to post propaganda posters everywhere. Urinal finally died aged two, but his sons and daiughters continued to do their job, and were turned to stone. Verse 19: Unt became some bloke called Icarus, and thought it would be clever to fly near the sun because he would be warmer, so he died. Verse 20: Uncle Brian was the only one who survived, and he became the founder of a great campaign against socks and cruelty to Gorillas. Verse 21: How fitting!

Verse 22: Super Dog's Trainer was furious. He was furious because his mate, the other trainer was being worn by Super Dog when he was defeated. Verse 23: The tainted shoe skipped across the landscape to try and find all the pieces of Coffee Chocolate with Hazelnut paste. Soon he had 5 pieces of the puzzle, but none fitted, not even the one he had tried to eat but had spat out. Verse 24: So, the Trainer summoned up all his magical energy and created a trainer who could find all the missing pieces of the puzzle.

1. The Cabbage Palm: Certainly the top of the Palms, the cabbage Palm reaches a whopping 50ft at maximum. Its bushy exterier makes it the perfect Palm, and is easy to find, if you are somewhere where you can see one. Its leaves can sometimes reach almost 1 metre long, which is impressive even by Godly standards, as any respectable Gods will indeed tell you. All this information hopefully shows that we didn't make it number one for its name, honest.